Thoughts

I wanted to get my thoughts out for my own theraputic benefit and to let you know where I am coming from. I really am not writing it for sympathy or to be dramatic. I do appreciate the support you both have given me and I look forward to writing my next meaningless sports column.

To be honest, my mom's death hasn't sunk in. I am probably still in denial somewhat. I think little things will bring about the realization; Mother's Day, looking through old e-mails, family events, writing this post... When I got home, we all were very social to kind of help each other get through it. It is kind of weird, but I don't think I cried any point between when I got home and her funeral on Monday. During and after the funeral, I found myself occasionally staring at her photos for a few minutes at a time. I don't know what good that is going to do - it's not like all of a sudden it is going to start talking like in Harry Potter. I guess that I'm just trying to burn her image into my mind so I never forget the exact way she looks or the way she spoke. Luckily, I'm not to the point where I am trying to call her phone just to hear her voicemail message - that would just be unhealthy. I'm not really the kind of person who believes in the supernatural, but I keep looking for some kind of sign or communication from her. The morning she died, our bedroom door randomly opened. Normally, if it is not shut tight, the cats can nudge it open, but I didn't see them near the door. I thought later this could be some kind of "sign", but I found out later she passed away over an hour after that. I feel like I can better understand why people go to psychics or on that douchy John Edward show - they just want one last communication somehow. I guess it is because I don't feel like I got to say goodbye to her. I know in many cases, like a car accident or a heart attack, you don't have any notice. But everything happened so quickly. She was supposed to come visit us for the Super Bowl, but stayed home because she wasn't feeling well. The next week she was hospitalized and a week later she was diagnosed. I now hate the month of February, by the way. In Feb 06, my grandmother passed away and in Feb 08 her husband did. Anyway, about 3 weeks after her diagnosis was the last time she was really conscious. In retrospect, I feel a little bad that I wasn't there for EVERY weekend, but what can you do. I also feel a little bad that I lost hope for her improvement the weekend before she died. I know you should always try to be optimistic, but I also knew it was only a matter of time. Last Thursday may count as her official death, but she hadn't really been alive for a month. The last time I spoke with her, she was really showing signs of improvement, so trying to have that "last talk" seemed unnecessary and in poor taste since we were trying to be supportive. The next morning, she had very debilitating seizures and she wasn't really conscious. The weekend before she died, during a brief moment of coherence, she was able to smile at me and returned my "I love you".

My mom was kind of the glue for my family, so I know this is really going to change our relationship. My priest's sermon was excellent. I think it was the first time I have been able to completely focus on a sermon the whole way through in years. He did discuss God's will, but one of the specific things he said was "God's will is not to take the live of a 57 year old woman. God's will is not to give someone adrenal cancer." I really liked that part because some people pervert the concept by believing that EVERYTHING that happens is God's will. Why would he give us free will then? The free will that would allow us to believe in him or not?? I think that God has some kind of plan, but I don't know explicit I believe that plan is. Anyway, I have that mortal feeling that comes with these kind of tragedies, so I feel the motivation for change and improvement. I feel like I should be more charitable with my time, meet new people, and experience new things. Unfortunately, I don't think I really am going to do anything about it because when I come home from work, sometimes all I want to do is eat fast food and watch crappy tv. I don't know whether that is a pessimistic, defeatist, or realistic view. We knew in December that this year was going to be so monumental for my family. My sister is pregnant, I'm getting married, and my other sister has found her first full time job - her absolute dream job. It breaks my heart that she won't be there for any of it, but it will also help give us something to celebrate. I know this is going to be hard on my dad, but I am encouraged by his attitude. My physical distance from home had also created an emotional distance of sorts during the whole ordeal. I feel like I have been living a double life. Working, watching March Madness, going out with friends, and house hunting during the week versus dealing with everything at home on (most) weekends. Tomorrow, I will have to begin meshing that back together.